The New Calendar. It just makes sense. Adopt it now.

This whole new year’s thing is way off because it shouldn’t even be new year. Tomorrow everyone is going to be morbid. So, when I become president and before I abolish the position and have Warren Buffett and Bill Gates run the country here’s what I will do about this calendar crap:

1. The First Day (April) (opening day) of Baseball season will be the 1st day of the year and it will be called spring.

2. Memorial Day will kick off Summer officially and go to September 1.

September will kick of Labor month. No one will have to work except Congress and the Senate. We won’t pay attention to them but will use their credit cards and ATM cards, whose numbers which will published on the World Wide Web and the Internet) to fund Labor Month. Look how well it worked for the French when they stopped running from the Germans in August.

3. We will skip October except for Halloween which will become our most important holiday because kids like it and there’s free candy.

4. November will be looking forward to Thanksgiving month and we will look forward to Thanksgiving. Black Friday will be eliminated so that the families of retail workers can enjoy the holiday. Instead of Black Friday we will have fair price month where retailers will just charge a reasonable amount of money for their products. Any people caught fighting over a toy (for Christmas etc) for their kids will be executed in the town square.

5. December will be building town square month topped by Christmas and all the other holidays (Hanukah, Kwanza) where you get free stuff.

6. January we get rid of except for MLK day when everyone gets a day off.

7. February the most useless of months is gone too. We move Presidents day to the first week of April so the kids can go baseball games. Demi Moore changed the ending in the Scarlet Letter so we can move some presidents around.

8. March is good for nothing except March Madness so we declare it March Madness month and everyone is ordered to stay home and root against Duke.

9. We go right to April and Spring.

10. By eliminating all these months we get rid of winter reducing our power use and depression and save enough money to ship politicians to islands where it is cold.

That’s it. So, April 1,2014 Happy New Year.