IF YOU’RE MORNING ISN’T RUINED YET DON’T READ THIS. IF IT’S ALREADY FUBAR GO RIGHT AHEAD.

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Many of you know that I ride bikes and run and stuff. Some think I’m healthy but I have an admission. I have secretly been eating and supporting foods where the hydrogen atoms are bound on opposite sides of the carbon in the fatty acids, giving the acids a straight structure. – They are trans fats.

I’m now out of the trans fat closet – Trek has threatened to take my bike away and Michael Bloomberg is using his power to silence me. My parents claim, even though they are dead, that I never had a trans fat and they only served “good fat” at the table. I am suing them too.

Now, I must say that I have been frying everything I eat in oil, that is not Monounsaturated, in my basement kitchen. The walls are constructed of Twinkies

I will need your support now to fight America’s trans fat prejudice and let me continue to bike while drinking big gulps and eating my store of 8 year old McDonalds fries – (which I’m running out of rapidly). Only you can help me “fight the power.” and become very famous for no apparent reason. Just want you to know that I don’t blame myself for this I blame everyone else. So, help me now.

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