This whole New Year’s thing is way off because it shouldn’t even be New Year. Today everyone is going to be morbid. My son is wandering around aimless and miserable as school is starting tomorrow January 2.
So, when I become president and before I abolish the position and have Warren Buffett and Bill Gates run the country here’s what I will do about this calendar crap:
Starting the first day of the year in January is repulsive and dumb. Everyone knows that.
1. The First Day (April) (opening day) of Baseball season will be the 1st day of the year and it will be called spring.
2. Memorial Day will kick off summer officially so there is no more confusion when idiotic radio stations do their idiotic beach promotions and call Memorial Day Summer. It’s not Summer it’s still spring and our poor children are still in school with time to go. They keep asking poor parents “How many days, how many days?” everyday. This solution will end that and as an amendment any station caught saying “Sixteen monster jams in a row” will have their licenses revoked.
Summer will go to September and September 1 will kick off Labor month. No one will have to work except Congress and the Senate. We won’t pay attention to them but will use their credit cards and ATM cards, whose numbers will be published on the World Wide Web and the Internet) to fund Labor Month.
3. We will skip October except for Halloween, which will become our most important holiday because kids like it and there’s free candy. Some have campaigned to keep October because of foliage. We can’t give in to that as that dumb foliage is just dying leaves readying themselves for raking and making the next ten months miserable because everyone puts off raking leaves until the leaves are back on trees and the old leaves are still in the corners of the yard and have all kinds of disgusting debris in them.
4. November will be looking forward to Thanksgiving month and we will look forward to Thanksgiving. Black Friday will be eliminated so that the families of retail workers can enjoy the holiday. Instead of Black Friday we will have fair price month where retailers will just charge a reasonable amount of money for their products. Any people caught fighting over a toy (for Christmas etc.) for their kids will be executed in the town square.
UPDATE: The great Sarah has suggested that we don’t execute them and that’s a good idea. In that case we drench them in cold water in the town square while screaming “No, hitting. Use your words.” That should do it.
5. December will be building town square month topped by Christmas and all the other holidays (Hanukah, Kwanza) where you get free stuff. Someone has suggested to add Festivus and I think that will pass and be added.
6. January we get rid of except for MLK day when everyone gets a day off.
7. February the most useless of months is gone too. We move Presidents day to the first week of April so the kids can go baseball games. Also, we bring back the names Washington and Lincoln and call the holidays: The United States brings you the most fabulous days of the year Washington and Lincoln’s Birthday President’s Day Sale FINAL DAYS/ENDS MONDAY.Let’s just make that whole thing the official name. Demi Moore changed the ending in the Scarlet Letter so we can move some presidents around.
8. March is good for nothing except March Madness so we declare it March Madness month and everyone is ordered to stay home and root against Duke.Rooting against Duke will then become our national pastime.
9. We go right to April and spring again.
10. By eliminating all these months we get rid of winter reducing our power use and depression and save enough money to ship politicians to islands where it is cold.
April 1,2013 is now the first day of the year. In advance Happy New Year to all of you.