Wanted Rock Star

Advertising agencies have interesting ways of advertising for the personnel that create the communications that make the whole world buy.
 
Some ads take longer to read than the time it took Germany to go through Poland. They will list pages of needed qualifications, experience,  skills, secret clearance, and of course  Photoshop and PowerPoint, etc.
 
Some ads are short like the ubiquitous:
 
“You’re our next CD, a Rock Star with all the awards and passion and a portfolio to back it up.
 
We will empower you.
 
You’ve worked on major brands and been there and done that now show us what you know and heavy TV experience a must.”
 
We are cutting edge and hyper and laid back and have a gym.
 
You play well with others.
 
We are where you’ll do your best.
 
Contact us. Tell us in four words why you’re the chosen one.”
 
NOTE: We like the “play well with others” as the line would change psychotic behavior to well balanced instantaneously.
 
After the responses to a rock star ad had been carefully scrutinized, we were invited to an interview between agency and Rock Star and given “fly on the wall” privileges, like Randall Rothenberg had while writing “Where the Suckers Moon.”
 
Agency: “Hello.”

Rock Star: “Bollocks.”

Agency: “We enjoyed your resume. Sending a blank piece of paper. Genius. Do you have anything that tells us where you’ve worked?”
 
Rock Star: “Bollocks. Just put the qualifications you need for your position on the paper I’ve gone to the trouble to give you.”
 
Agency: “It’s hard to do that. Maybe tell us what you have worked on?”
 
Rock Star: “Bollocks. I’ll tell you what I haven’t worked on and won’t work on. Hot dogs, they’re evil. Also, I won’t work on products that people cleanse themselves with and other pedestrian items like products or services. I’m a vegan. It disgusts me.”
 
Agency: “Being a vegan disgusts you?”
 
Rock Star: “No, being not a vegan disgusts me. You smell like meat. My belt is made of rice, the non-gluten kind.”
 
Agency: “I do know you have athletic shoe experience. Tell us about  Marcus Bailey Agency. You also don’t seem to have a portfolio, either online or physical.”
 
Rock Star: “I have athletic shoe experience, yes. The idiots at Marcus Bailey threw my brilliant campaign into the toilet. My portfolio is metaphysical. Look into my mind and see work. What is online and why?”
 
Agency: “Thanks for clearing things up. What about your shoe campaign?”
 
Rock Star: “Is this an inquisition? I took bricks and Banksy tagged them.“
 
Agency: “Genius, with the product’s name, yes?
 
Rock Star: “Why would I do that? Who wants ‘Bacchus for Dudes’ or ‘Bellona for Chicks’ on their bricks? The bricks said: ‘Bansky exits through the gift shop door.'”
 
Agency: “Nothing about the shoe?”
 
Rock Star: “It was all about the shoe, twit. We commissioned 250,000 bricks and left them on the streets of New York, San Francisco, and Los Angeles. No other cities were to get them until the populace promised to build a stadium using my bricks. The bricks symbolized athletics for the average person. Average people are average but they do need to be spoken to. Chicago continues to ask for bricks. Chicago is near a body of water but not the acceptable kind of water, so no bricks. The bricks said to the people ‘if you don’t wear our shoes you’ll feel like bricks are strapped to your feet.’ It couldn’t have been more clear.” 
 
Agency: “Genius. What happened?”
 
Rock Star: “Bollocks. Something about axles. The twits.“
 
Agency: “That’s a shame. Well, we have a relaxed atmosphere, a gym, and your office…”
 
Rock Star: “Why an office?”
 
Agency: “As our CD you would be responsible for our creative product, working with others, and…”
 
Rock Star: “Others, I don’t like others. Who are these others you speak of?”
 
Agency: “We’ll circle back.”
 
Rock Star: “See that you do. Bollocks.”
 
Agency: “Tell us about your TV experience.”
 
Rock Star: “I have one. Do you berate everyone? I need you to compensate me for travel.”
 
Agency: “Do you want subway, cab, or bus fare?”
 
Rock Star: “First-class, round-trip air fare, New York to Milan. When I bought this Armani suit for the interview I bought it off the old Sod himself. I need compensation.“
 
Agency: “We’ll work on that. Impressive. What’s a convenient start date?”
 
Rock Star: “I’ve started. Give me money, now.”
 
So if you’re not afraid of public urination, multiple wives, job jumping, interesting hours, or someone who may or may not play nicely, hire a rock star.

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