How to write a press release. It’s important. Follow these instructions

Nothing builds a company’s brand like a carefully placed Press Release. The problem is that you may not have anything to say, but you can turn that into a benefit by finding a subject that can be announced without any fear of anyone checking facts or knowing what or whom you are talking about.  I’ve been in advertising for a bit so I will use that as a base. For all you folks who don’t  have the pleasure to be part of “Mad Ave” just adapt.

PRESS RELEASE

After an extended creative shoot-out spanning over three days, the Los Angeles office of the Marcus Bailey Agency (MBA) has won the (billings withheld) Ben Flajnik and Courtney Robertson his-and-her line of housewares, clothing, and furniture: Stupefied by Ben & Courtney.

In announcing the win, Marcus Bailey (MBA) also named a Chief Creative Officer after an exhausting global three-day search. “It was an exhaustive global search. This search has led us all over the globe and into England and Australia and some other places, too. We are exhausted but proud to announce the appointment of Hardy Fine as Chief Creative Officer of MBA. This new, critical, and important hire will lead us into the future and help manage our explosive growth and sure-to-be seminal design line of Stupefied by Ben & Courtney.”

Bailey also had this to say: “Hardy’s work has won all the awards that everyone else has won and announced when they wanted to sound important, so we are announcing that now.”

Fine has held similar positions at Yellow Zonker, where he gained fame by not allowing any material from the break-through shop to use a font other than Papyrus. Some of Screaming Yellow Zonker’s Papyrus-only radio scripts have sold for as much as $75,000 on eBay. This acclaimed period was so acclaimed that this collection of work has been called “Just Papyrus.” The work is now at the Art Directors’ Club on loan from Fine’s own museum. After Zonker collapsed in one of 80 print production scandals, Fine formed the Homeless Collective. The Collective was dedicated to cutting the fat out of advertising agency infrastructure by setting up shop in various alleys around New York and hiring anyone who walked by. The success was instantaneous. The Homeless Collective swept all the awards just for the idea and in an unprecedented move was asked to present produced work after the awards had been bestowed. In its short history, The Homeless Collective spawned two of the hottest boutiques in the world in Ripple and Wild Irish Rose.

Fine sold The Homeless Collective to both Interpublic and Omnicom in an unprecedented deal and then retired from advertising and opened an organic restaurant in East Hampton, New York (I’m Not Fried) and followed that by creating his own line of organically frozen, frozen vegetables.

After being approached by Marcus Bailey, Fine decided to get back in the saddle and said, “After I finish riding my horse, I will start redefining our model and expand our presence in offices around the U.S and Europe. I believe that we will also explore opportunities throughout England, which may be in Europe. I will look at a map before we begin the process. I never thought I would wind up managing the creative product of a shop like this and ancillary to that have input on the overall growth of the shop and its direction and the direction of Stupefied by Ben & Courtney. I think Stupefied by Ben & Courtney will be a mainstay as long as people keep offering them stuff and they keep taking it. I think Ben and Courtney, themselves, have legs. I, myself, will help design their furniture line. I have prepared by speaking personally to other famous furniture designers like Donald Trump (Trump Home Furniture line), Kathy Ireland, John Elway, and Cindy Crawford, and I have calls in to both Humphrey Bogart and Ernest Hemingway and expect a response soon. I believe we can be in production shortly and as the ultimate UX experience we will allow some purchasers of the line to build their own furniture and not even show it to us. We will supply Stupefied by Ben & Courtney brand labels to those who are chosen to build their own furniture. ”

Finally, the agency will host a gala to introduce Stupefied by Ben & Courtney and CCO Hardy Fine with a fireworks display at the Vatican. The A-List guests will include whomever Miss America is and the guy who won American Idol the year Adam Lambert won.

In keeping with the cutting-edge outlook that has made this shop, there will be live webcams and landing pages, Facebook pages, Twitter accounts, Pinterest accounts, YouTube videos, and all kinds of that other Social Media (like Digg and StumbleUpon and even Foursquare) stuff to spread the word and let the world in on this mammoth event.

Marcus Bailey said, “I wish my son could be there but he has a sleepover.” On a sad note, Bailey added: “I would like to announce that Hardy Fine has left MBA to freelance and go to law school. We wish him well and his contributions will line our halls. We will begin an exhaustive search for Hardy’s replacement.”

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Please feel free to use this press release to boost your brand. You will have enormous growth and no one will check. It really works.

 

another amazing oddity by brian h. keller

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