Don’t you love the letters you get every year around now sent to you by you can’t stand people bragging about how cool their lives are? Here’s mine.


Well another year has just flown by and I want to share it with all my friends. Well it started out last January when I was feeling kind of sluggish and run down so instead of going to some quack doctor I just took it upon myself to get some get up and go so I switched from Demerol to Crystal Meth. Let me tell you what a difference. And did you know that not a lot of people use Demerol anymore so it was getting harder and harder for my kid to score it for me.


Speaking of my kid, what a little guy he is, he did his first felony this year and it was only January.  I love the bumper sticker he made for me at boot camp; “My son is a convicted felon and one day he’ll probably assault your honor student.” All this happened in January. Then right after that in February my girlfriend got those new teeth she’s been wanting and we found out that the other kid hanging out around our house wasn’t autistic at all he was feral. We immediately got him into private school on a diversity scholarship. Then as luck would have it inspiration hit my many toothed girlfriend and she quit tricking and followed her first love and resumed her career as a dancer at Chez Joey on Baltimore Street, You know she was classically trained.  And the time just flew by and the year was just a whirl wind of excitement and travel as my new business (thanks Crystal Meth) Give me your tired, your poor. Your huddled masses. has taken off. I do particularly well in border towns across this great nation of ours. It’s amazing how you can get Mexican tourists to pay to bring them into the country for just a short visit. I don’t even have to bring them back they all assure me that they can make it home themselves.  Yes, you’re right I do  think of it as the Lord’s work introducing our culture to others less fortunate. Via con dios mi amigos.


Anyway, award after award has just flown our way I got the “Big Pimpin Award, for figuring out what to do with the house keepers kids and we now have a stove and a window unit, an arsenal,  ammunition (thank you Wal-Mart) some kind of  meat and there’s plenty ointment and RC Cola now for everyone. I also have been selling the Trans Fats that we’ve left in buckets under the house. And again I must praise our government for not building a national rail system and putting that money into the fast food wars where we need it. I Know we can’t beat no Iraq but we sure as hell can beat the crap out fast food and keep our kids slender. We’ll show them that people who make $7 an hour ways to fresh vegetables and fish.


In 2011 I became a Foster Parent (the government gives me money for those little scamps and don’t ask no questions)  and most of those lead paint chips in my house  have disappeared somehow. Some of the new kids who are conscious are going to repaint. It’s taking them awhile to round in to shape seeing as they come from trouble. I just love kids.


Our year just kept getting better and better. My kid got out of boot camp and immediately got a grant from the government to go to private school on a “diversity law breaker but he didn’t mean it he’s just misunderstood grant.” He brings home cars and new clothes and all kinds of electronic equipment, and money too.  He says they are gifts from the school and the kids.  I love this world.


Anyway,  my job is kind of neat because it all comes in cash and because my house is up on blocks I get federal money too. So, I got all kinds of revenue streams going here like my travel business, those foster kids, the scholarships, the federal money and all kinds of stuff and I don’t got to do nothing except ask for it from our government.  Like our president and them debaters last week, I’m all about a balanced budget and debt reduction.  And here I am bragging on myself when it was our government who should be doing the “braggin” Happy New year and holidays to all of you out there who aren’t different than me. To them other people well


4 thoughts on “Don’t you love the letters you get every year around now sent to you by you can’t stand people bragging about how cool their lives are? Here’s mine.

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