PART ONE: NO MID LIFE CRISIS AND STRIPPERS AREN’T HO’S OH NO
I’ve been pondering junk lately like maybe one day I will do something else with my career. Actually that made me just ponder that one day I should look into having a career. I’m also kind of flummoxed that I’ve never had as midlife crisis and I’ve had motorcycles my whole life so I can’t even buy one as an act of rebellion. I could go to strip bars and spend the family fortune on lap dances, but I couldn’t even hide the fact that I bought the Baseball Package, and got caught watching baseball late one night. No one in the family could figure out why Seattle vs.Oakland in May is so important. Well it’s important because you get baseball at 2AM. I mean really. So in any event I think buying a number of 120 pound strippers to dance on my lap and sneaking that one by is out of the question, most likely. I also don’t have giant lap and unless I could go to a strip club with Wyclef (“Just Cause She Dances Go-go That Don’t Make Her A Ho-no, Call Up My Momma Tell Her I’m In Love With A Stripper Yo”) Jean why bother? So, even though they are not Ho’s oh no it just looks boring and I couldn’t sneak it by and what would happen if I fell in love with a stripper yo?
PART TWO: BECAUSE OF DOPE FIENDS I COULDN’T DO DOPE OR HAVE A CAREER
In school I didn’t do drugs because I had a station wagon and all my dope fiend friends thought it would be a good idea if I drove them around because I had a station wagon. Yes, I’m switching tenses but life switches tenses so if you are big on grammar opt out of this blog now. I’ll wait a minute to write more so you can opt.)
Okay, back to the story. My friends, some of whom could do real dope all day and smoke an ounce of pot for dessert, were very protective of their upcoming forays into medical and law school and dad’s businesses and needed a non-dope fiend guy to drive. They were biding time as dope fiends and thought that since I had an SUV and no possible chance for a career I should stay straight and drive. I thought that was reasonable but 20/20 hindsight indicates that the logic was flawed. I knew I had no chance for a career no matter what I did so really I should have done lots of drugs since I couldn’t hurt my future career and jail would be a step up and maybe a career and I already had a motorcycle and knew I would have no midlife crisis. See just like the teachers say “Stick with your first answer.” I didn’t an it proved to be my fatal flaw. Anyway, Being convivial I said “Okay I’ll drive.” My friends all became very successful in drugs and girls and later business. They are mostly rich and bald now and I wound up doing this blog on a Saturday morning and watching “I Carly” with an 11 year old. I believe some misguided girls liked me too but no one told me which was a shame but not for the misguided girls for which it was probably a blessing.
NOW THE IMPORTANT PART: PART THREE: WHY JOHNNY CAN’T READ. YOUR SCHOOL SYSTEM AT WORK. BUT IN THE END JOHNNY IS SAVED FROM ME AND SCUM LIKE ME.
The pondering came about because some how I graduated college or university and it only took like maybe 10 years then I went and got myself a Master’s Degree, taught at a university,worked/work with at risk kids, and worked/work in advertising and just got accepted to law school. If I was allowed to drugs I probably could have done some of this faster but oh no my mother and father had to give me the family SUV. Then I saw a headline that said THE NEED IS REAL. THE TIME IS REAL. TEACH. APPLY NOW.
The ad was for certification to teach in the inner city and work with kids that may need some help. Wanting children not to need help and having a history of working with kids I said. “Hey, this sounds cool. I’ll apply it might be interesting to do this and go to law school.” I applied and was rejected within 5 minutes as my GPA in college was too low according to the woman I called right after the rejection. I said to her “Hey that was a while ago and school wasn’t as important as I had a whole car load of dope fiends to drive around and it also took me along time to clean the dope out of my upholstery but I went on to do okay for myself and taught on the college level and worked with at risk youth for Big Brothers Big Sisters.” She brightened up immediately and I figured common sense wins out again and I started memorizing the dialogue from Mr. Holland’s Opus- to use at my retirement. Then I found out she brightened because she followed the brightened voice with the basso profundo “Sorry, we have a policy and your GPA is too low.” I said “Where would we be without a policy? Can I talk to your supervisor?” So, the 20 year old worker put me in touch with her 21 year old supervisor who told me “We have a policy.” I said “I think you can make an exception to the policy because look at what I’ve done besides driving my dope fiend friends around?” She said “The policy of the policy is that you need a higher GPA and if we drill down you’ll see that all the policies attached to this policy support the policy. It’s about the children you know.” I said “Yes the children are our future. She said “I’m glad you understand and why don’t you go get your certification at a college and try us back when you get your certification and then we could get you certified in our program with your existing certification and you won’t need further certification.” I said “That’s reasonable and a good policy.” I immediately called the head of the school system, the head of the state school system and Wyclef Jean. All except Wyclef didn’t return my call. He invited my to the Champagne room. I couldn’t go I had to drive my friends to an early bird special at TGIF. I still have a station wagon but a cool one.
PART FOUR: YOU KNOW THEY’RE PROBABLY RIGHT. THE KIDS NEED TO BE PROTECTED FROM GUYS LIKE ME
So, then someone did write me back and said he would look into it but they were getting more applications than we need. I wrote back and said so that’s why your headline says THE NEED IS REAL. THE TIME IS REAL. TEACH. APPLY NOW. He wrote back with “Yes it’s time to teach and help kids if you had a good GPA because a GPA is the gold standard measure of a life and isn’t it a great headline. Our ad agency did that. “ I wrote back “Yes that’s a great headline.” He wrote back” Your letters are long and list all your accomplishments but what’s with the GPA our policy indicates that you need a higher GPA.” I wrote , I” did get a Masters and will be going to law school with my GPA. ” He wrote “That’s nice but flawed. I’ve looked into our policy and the related policies and I don’t know what I can do the policy is in place. You need to be certified. That’s our policy, We need to think of the children” I wrote “Thanks for the help children are the future and that’s a good policy.” He said “Good luck, it’s all about the kids” I wrote “Thanks, that’s that’s great. I realize what a “doofus” I am for event thinking I could get near children who need teachers. Maybe I’ll just sell dope at public schools to pay for law school and then I think I’ll finish law school and go into M&A work or Torts and do good for the community that way or maybe I’ll teach under represented strippers.”
Because everyone know that “Just Cause She Dances Go-go That Don’t Make Her A Ho-no…” That’s my policy.