As most of you know I have 177 fans on Facebook. I know them all personally. Facebook insists on keeping personal personal and wouldn’t want people to try and network. I also probably have 10’s more people waiting to be fans.
I have to admit, that I have been lying to you and have been lying to myself and my family and my pets. I haven’t lied to any strangers, besides our Government, because I don’t know any, but soon with my popularity soaring, strangers will know me too but they better know me before they “friend me” because I don’t want them to do anything wrong and I don’t want to friend people I don’t know. That would be horrible.
I have been keeping company with 16 different women who are not my wives. My wives are smart enough not to keep company with me at all unless some of them have to so they can stay on the health insurance and keep their Hydrocodone and ointment prescriptions.
Not only have I been keeping company with 16 women, in the back of an Escalade, sometimes we go to Red Lobster or sometimes we all go to Old Navy but lately I’ve been thinking about having sex with all of them at the same time in the back of Brett Favre’s Wranglers. Real. Comfortable. Jeans.
Anyway they have been blackmailing me and I can’t afford all that Alaskan king crab at Red Lobster anymore and they told me to take Long John Silver and shove it. I was afraid to bring up Arthur Treacher and I can’t do any more plastic surgeries.
So this is the end for me the “sweet” 16 have taken their 31 new breasts and have gone public with pictures and more. I bought them the breasts yes, and there are only 31 new breasts because one was happy with one of them so she only got one new one. I bought them the breasts originally for medicinal purposes only but soon I tried to touch one. I think I tried one of the new ones and all hell broke loose as I was reported to America. You can see by my numbers (FaceBook) that it’s bad. I always thought America was dumb but I never thought that I would get to 27 monthly active users on Face book down 10 since last week or get 177 fans up 4 since last week. I guess I can kiss them goodbye. I never thought I would get 2 wall posts down 1 since last week and get 38 visits this week down 2 since last week. You see America is speaking out against me. So, I’m admitting everything and I want to ask America for forgiveness.
You ask about the girls well America has taken them to its bosom. Most have already signed TV deals and are now competing on Dancing With The Stars. Two have slept with the entire cast of Jersey Shore, and three are already living with Hugh Hefner replacing the other nice young women that Hef has been living with. The rest have gone on to marry Tom Sizemore and two have also married Charlie Sheen so they won’t miss out on a good beating. I have no comment on that. Three have walked out on the View and three more have been on the View explaining why the other three walked out on the View. Barbara Walters cried. Two are regulars on Dirtiest Jobs.
I tried to keep all of this a secret as I never thought I would get to 177 fans and have my blog read, worldwide (someone reads it in some other country like Texas and maybe other foreign ports of call), by the same 7 people and I never thought in I would get stopped in Target by a fan and not security.
So America please forgive me and then in a few years I will do the same thing again and you won’t even remember this or what I even did which I will completely disavow after my first Conan appearance.
And I would like to apologize to all my wives and ask them to remember Elin Nordergren and her immortal words (which I’ve used before)
“I admire the relationship she had with John Lennon and hope I can be a similar influence to Tiger.”
I’m sorry no one could be a good influence on me like she has been for Tiger. I’m sorry America.