Things that will get you a job and help you get a job in this bad economy.

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Now everyone needs a job and this is where I can help

Do everything I say and you’ll get a job with a trumped up title and no real responsibility.   I wound up running the Maryland, Texas and Louisiana Savings and Loan Business I also  went on to Enron and Bear Sterns  by following my proven system. And today I’m sharing it with you FREE. This may not last so read and comment. If I get more than 10 comments I will give you more of my proven success methods.

Phrase and word use  primer.

Intro: Make sure to end all E-Mail correspondence with a quote from a famous person. The person should be  really smart and not Jay-Z or Kid Rock  and the quote should be about something very solemn and true and that shows how smart you are by knowing and using the quote.  I’d suggest Robert Lowell or Thomas Wolfe (not the white suit Tom Wolf the real and tortured one) they have great quotes. Or,  I would s use my quote. Here: “Quotes are really great when they are said by the people who made them up.” You can quote me. You may use that at the end of your E-Mails. It’s my gift.

To get and keep a job:

1.  Use End of the day – Evergreen.  if you preface anything with End of the day – you’ll get respect. “At the end of the day it doesn’t matter if you spill oil on ducks as long as you maintain your integrity.”

2. EOD (End of the Day) Not just end of the day but an order “Hey you I need that EOD.” or don’t bother coming in tomorrow.”

3. EOB (End of Business) “Hey I need that definitely by EOB.” This is really cool and is scary enough to get people to do what you want even if nobody,not even you, knows what you want.

4. Circle Back – “Let me check and circle back.”  I have not read a thing about this assignment and I know nothing about Physics but I got this job at the Livermore Labs because I know how to use circle back.   No one ever circles back and once you get out of a meeting you’re not going back and neither is anyone else.

5. Regroup –  “Let’s see what’s going on and regroup.”  which means ” Boy I better get on Facebook, Linkedin, Indeed, Dig, In  and everything else I can think of because it’s my fault and I don’t know who to blame.

6. Mutual Respect – “We may not always agree but we have mutual respect for each other ( I like the “each other” part as you don’t need it but it sounds real good) – I hate him/her. She/he doesn’t know it. I’m going to undermine him/her  and steal from them.

Here’s an example for you. If you use it and a quote you’re sure to have success.

Here you go:

“I agree that thinking out of the box  being vertically integrated and being prepared for a paradigm shift is what we need to do long term. Short term what you are saying is actionable and I think we have enough bandwidth to do it. I think that we use best practices and get buy in from the team and at the end of the day we’ll have no problem with the deliverables. So by EOB I’d like to dialouge with you and close the loop on this or we can circle back tomorrow  and regroup. reconnect. Being truthful if  we reconnect and  we drill down it’s win win.”

The above should get you a job a  private parking spot, people to blame who are  not you, and  a fat 401k with people who are just like you running that 401 K.

Caveat: If you have too much success and wind up in the prison laundry just stay quiet.

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2 thoughts on “Things that will get you a job and help you get a job in this bad economy.

  1. This would be a lot funnier if it were not so damn true! I especially LOVE the part about including a profound quote in your email: I know many people who do this, and they say very little but end with the quote, so I am now supposed to think THEY said it! You definitely have your finger on the pulse. NOW drill down ASAP and get back to me EOBW.( end of business week.)

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