Since I’ve gotten out of sex addiction clinic and have kicked my methamphetamine habit and no longer have to look for arrowheads on the desert I decided to hold out my hand to you all, my public. I think I have at least 89 fans on my fan page. Having a fan page is really kind of Narcissistic but who am I to argue with Facebook? But I don’t want to be my own fan that would make my contributions less valuable and make you think I was out here blogging away without making any sense or anything. Where was I? I don’t really know so I’ll just keep writing and see if anything comes out. Oh there I am. I want to hold out my hand to my public and invite all of your over for the summer holidays. July 4th and then the other one where you want to kill yourself – Labor Day. So come to both the parties or one or none of them.
If you want you can help us get ready for the best party ever. We’re getting ready for the holidays and flea and tick season you know. So, if any of you have any spare blankets, small firearms, a hot plate, dented cans of Dinty Moore Beef Stew, and various tubes of old ointment (you don’t need), triage kits, carburetors for a K-Car or Demerol please don’t hesitate to send them to us or bring them over when you come for our celebration of America.
If you come on over don’t worry about the cars up on cinder blocks I don’t think anyone is living in them anymore. The semi naked blonde child in the yard is not feral he’s just misguided. You know him, it’s my son and he likes it out there. Give him sugar and throw his stick for him and he will go away. That’s what we do and it works great. In fact he’s only 11 and can already make guttural noises. We didn’t even read any books on child raising or nothing. Also we are real proud he should be out of lower school soon and into a nice state prison (If you want to send him cigarettes – filters only – we’re health conscious) and he’s been wait listed by the federal prisons
If you walk up the front walk remember the dogs, if they have been fed, are fine; we usually feed them at least once a week to keep them strong for fighting and mating. I think a real vicious fight brings out the sex drive in all of us but that’s a whole other story. Also, and please, don’t worry about my girlfriend; she’s had almost all of her teeth removed so she’s no longer a substantial threat. Also she’s not pregnant she just looks that way from all the Taco Bell and gravy. Try to refer to her figure as ample and not distended.
Here’s the best part. You know when you go to the quaint country places in the country where they charge you money to pick their berries and take them home I think it’s called “You Pick” I’m not sure but we are adopting that quaint tradition of the quaint country people whom the word country was invented for . So, come over and if you want to stay for dinner just shoot your own. we supply rifles but don’t have much ammunition left as a lot of county people have been nosing around lately. We do have knives for gutting and cleaning and eating. We also have some wound dressings. If you don’t like quaint we could just leave some bread and a canned ham under the porch for you, we put it there to keep it fresh. If you’re Kosher we’ll leave a nice can of brisket or other related Kosher products like Carvel (you’ll have to refreeze it though) or corned beef not the Irish kind the Kosher kind.
There’s a ladle and a bucket for you drinking needs. Try not to drink the brownish water, that’s a puddle. Drink the green water it’s for drinking. Try and remember like we do – Brown’s for bathing, Green’s for” tastin.” If you need a bathroom, there’s a 7/11 right down the street (just off rte 25 and next to the Barber Shop, just buy a Little Debbie Snack Cake and Kurt will let you right in. The round things that stand out on the floor with water in them are not for clothes washing – we found out the hard way when my Sergio Tachini warm up suit disappeared along with my Mega-Lotto ticket – I just pushed a handle and my whole fortune and soon to be fortune just swirled the hell away.
You know the working with turpentine has been a strain on my girlfriend and many of you don’t know that. So she took another job to help out. Once she stops stripping, the turpentine makes her wiggle real neat, for good you can come over anytime and not just for our traditional important American holidays that hold huge savings for all American shoppers. Anyway my girl says it’s okay to date customers as long as they give you money or jewelry. Does that sound right to you? I think she may be taking advantage those poor people but I’m not too worried as we all know mating is just for breeding purposes and a little touching hasn’t hurt no one. Some chubby girls even got pocket book lines and were on TV and all of a sudden went from unpaid to living in fancy apartments in New York City just for touching and not having any sex. I know there was no sex and that’s true because one of our Presidents said so. So I say to my girlfriend you just go for it and don’t charge a thing to those poor men to whom you provide your services. One day if you touch the right fella and don’t have no sex with him the American public will make up for not getting paid at the club.
Back to the celebration of America. For more fun I’ve got a couple of cases of Pabst, some bologna, and other stuff that the girlfriend doesn’t know about, and daytime TV. You know I just love my stories. At least I have something to do when she’s not around. Boy I think that Judge Judy would look good naked but that’s one man’s opinion. So please come on over for the holiday’s they’ll be on you before you know it just like one of my monkeys.
See you all soon. I also don’t think this is a blog in the sense that it doesn’t seem to have a blog like theme, I don’t know if I’ll get in trouble and not be able to blog no more. We’ll see.
If I can blog more I think I will. I owe it to all of my at least 89 fans and to the at least 15 people who have commented.